She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
