Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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