FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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