I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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