I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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