I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
