apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
What happened to fro yo and sex?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
