Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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