the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
