we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
