I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
These tits shall not be calmed
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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