someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
