Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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