Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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