Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
