I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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