just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
