so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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