dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
