this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
