i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
