remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
