i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
