A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
