OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
