uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
