I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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