upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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