do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
