Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
false alarm, still single
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