My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
