When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
