Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
