i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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