he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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