he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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