I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So much Jack, so little girl.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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