Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
