i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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