she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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