This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
