Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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