Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
