I want to have your abortion
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
