I want to make a zoo with you.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Randomize
