hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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