Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
