A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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