I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
