I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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