if i can run in heels then i can drive
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
