I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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