just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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