I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
did i walk over a car last night?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
