Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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