I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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