i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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