dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
