last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize