Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
