Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
