it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
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